: The young man tells about his inner struggle between spiritual love for a beautiful girl and hidden homosexual inclinations, about the desire to recover from “abnormality” and loneliness.

As an epigraph, a quote about beauty from F. Dostoevsky’s novel “The Brothers Karamazov” is used.

Chapter one

The narration is conducted on behalf of the main character Kimi (his name is mentioned in the novel only once). His family became impoverished after a scandal: his grandfather took upon himself another's guilt. “Grandmother ... treated her husband with hatred and contempt. She was unstable in nature, but she had a poetic soul - with a touch of insanity. ”

Kimi was born on January 14, 1925. Grandmother took him up to school, settling in his room, "where it smelled of old age and illness." When the boy was five years old, he was diagnosed with a chronic illness - self-intoxication.

As a child, Kimi often looked at the same illustration in a book: "Joan of Arc with a raised sword on a white horse." He was cruelly disappointed to learn that this beautiful knight was a disguised woman.

"And one more memory ... Soldier's sweat ... penetrated my nostrils and intoxicated me."

The boy loved fairy tales. But he did not like princesses, only princes. “I generally liked to read about the young men who are being killed in a fairy tale.” "... my heart was irresistibly reaching for where Death, Night and Blood reigned."

“I often imagined with pleasure how I die in battle or fall, struck by the hand of a killer. And at the same time, I was panicky afraid of death. "

Once grandmother invited a ceremonial procession to them in the yard. The participants behaved frantically and trampled the whole garden. Most clearly, the child remembered the frozen "mask of such a violent, depraved intoxication with life."

Chapter two

From the age of twelve, Kimi began to indulge in a "stupid habit", looking at the pictures with bloody battles of samurai and soldiers. He was excited by sadistic fantasies, which featured the torn bodies of athletic youths. Especially his thoughts were occupied by the reproduction of "St. Sebastian" by Guido Reni. He even wrote a poem about Sebastian in prose.

Using the move, the parents finally took Kimi to their place. For grandmother, this was a tragedy. Once a week the boy had to spend the night with her. “So at the age of twelve, I got a passionate sixty-year-old lover.”

In the second grade of the gymnasium, Kimi falls in love with Omi, the second-year student translated to them, a bully and authority among all the boys. Love for Omi was based on physical desire. For Kimi, the guy was the epitome of masculinity, strength and rudeness. His muscular figure was admirable. Kimi avoided intellectual topics with the object of his passion, fearing that his perfection would dissipate. Contact at the level of the mind killed the desire: "expecting from a partner complete ignorance, I myself felt a burning need for a complete rejection of rationality, I raised a rebellion against intelligence."

In early summer, at a gymnastics lesson, Kimi watched Omi pull up. Looking at his beautiful figure, Kimi experienced a new feeling: envy of his athletic body, which put an end to his love for Omi. Kimi himself had a very miserable figure, was very frail.

"I understood that my desires were abnormal and even wrong, that they were unusual for my comrades." The boy’s fantasies became more and more bloodthirsty. Once he presented the ritual murder of his beautiful classmate and eating his flesh.

Chapter three

"Unlike my classmates, I was not tormented by secret lust on the female body, and therefore did not know shame."Kimi consciously created for himself a chimera of self-deception - he is no different from others, because the young man had no idea about the true desires of his comrades.

However, “contemplative loves” happened to him. Spiritual adoration was caused by a second cousin, the beautiful Sumiko, and a stranger on the bus, "whose cold and impregnable face aroused ... interest."

The war has begun. Kimi dreamed of death, imagined how he would be hit by a bullet.

He became interested in younger boys - “ephebs” (the so-called Greek youths from 18 to 20 years old, undergoing military training). The new object of love was the 17-year-old Yakumo. Conducting the on-call verification made it possible for the young man to admire the half-naked body of Yakumo.

In September 1944, Kimi graduated from high school and at the insistence of his father entered the law university. He met the sister of his friend Kusano, Sonoko. The young man sincerely admired Sonoko.

For health reasons, Kimi was not taken to serve. At that moment, he realized that his desire to die was a pure illusion, but in reality he is violently clinging to life.

One day, Kusano's mother invited Kimi to go with their family to visit her son in the service. On the platform, Kimi saw Sonoko descending the stairs. “Never before has girlish beauty touched my heart like this. My chest was constricted, I felt as though I had been cleansed. ”

They began to communicate. Kimi brought Sonoko books. Once, at a meeting, the girl said that it would be great if a bomb was dropped on them right now. “She did not seem to understand herself that these words were a declaration of love.” Soon their family was evacuated from Tokyo. Before leaving, Sonoko handed the young man a letter. They began to correspond, and soon the communication became more intimate.

Despite a spiritual connection with the girl, Kimi tormented her inner voice, recalling his bloody fantasies and the absence of any interest in the female body.

Once, after serving in the arsenal, Kimi went home. He had an attack of tonsillitis. At home he went to bed. A relative of Tyako, five years older than Kimi, came to see him. She taught the young man to kiss.

At the invitation of the Sonoko family, Kimi visited them in an evacuation. He managed to kiss the girl. “I played the part selflessly. Love and desire did not participate in this performance. ”

“I put my lips to Sonoko’s mouth ... No sensations ... It became clear to me.”

Before Kimi left for Tokyo, Sonoko asked what he would bring next time, hinting at a marriage proposal. Kimi was terrified of mentally. He felt his cowardice and weakness, the man’s unworthy behavior towards Sonoko.

The young man thought about suicide, but noting how the war is now mowing people, he came to the conclusion that “the era clearly did not have suicide”.

The letter from Sonoko was full of sincere love. Kimi "was jealous of the feeling of a woman loving him." Soon followed by a friendly letter from Kusano, in which he directly asked about Kimi's intention to marry Sonoko. Kusano promised to reject the refusal with understanding. Kimi floridly announced the denial.

Japan was offered surrender, which means that "ordinary life" begins - "from this phrase alone threw me into a shiver."

Chapter Four

Kimi's younger sister died: “It turned out that I, it turns out, I am able to cry ...” Soon, Sonoko married a man.

At the university, a young man appeared a friend. Having guessed from Kimi's behavior that he had no erotic experience, a friend suggested visiting a brothel with him. However, this attempt to arouse lust for a woman failed.

Once on a tram, Kimi saw Sonoko. After a moment, he realized that he had misplaced. But the young man was overtaken by the same unforgettable feeling, as then on the platform, when Sonoko was going down the stairs. The taste of sorrow pierced my soul.

The meeting with the girl herself did not make such a strong impression. They began to see from time to time.“... spirit and flesh in me existed separately. Love for Sonoko embodied a longing for normality, for everything spiritual and enduring. "

After a year, they seemed to have awakened: their meetings were fruitless. Once again, they met at the Golden Rooster restaurant. Sonoko spoke about the meaninglessness of their meetings, because she has a husband. She wants to be baptized and should not think about other men.

Kimi suggested going to the dance floor, but later regretted his proposal: a very vulgar audience gathered there. On the street, his attention was attracted by the barbarously gross, inexplicably beautiful body of a young man with a peony tattoo. Kimoki distracted Sonoko from this spectacle: there were only five minutes left, and "the time has come to part."