It was one of the warm summer days ...

My friend and I stood and talked near our house. But you walked beside us, among the flowers and grass that were on your shoulders, and an indefinite half-smile that I tried in vain to unravel did not leave your face. Having run over the bushes, the Chief Spaniel sometimes came up to us. But for some reason you were afraid of Chif, hugged me by the knee, threw my head back, looked into my face with blue eyes reflecting the sky and said joyfully, gently, as if returning from afar: “Dad!” And I even felt some painful pleasure from the touch of your small hands. Your random hugs probably touched my friend too, because he suddenly fell silent, brushed your fluffy hair and contemplated you for a long time ...

A friend shot himself in late autumn, when the first snow fell ... How, when did this terrible relentless thought enter him? For a long time, probably ... After all, he told me more than once what bouts of anguish he experiences in early spring or late fall. And he had terrible nights when it seemed that someone was creeping into his house, someone was walking nearby. “For God's sake, give me ammo,” he asked me. And I counted out six rounds of ammunition for him: "This is enough to shoot." And what kind of worker he was - always peppy, active. And he told me: “What are you blooming! Take an example from me. Until late autumn, I swim in Yasnushka! That you are all lying or sitting! Get up, do gymnastics. ” The last time I saw him was in mid-October. For some reason, we talked about Buddhism, that it was time to take on big novels, which is the only joy in daily work. And when they said goodbye, he suddenly burst into tears: “When I was like Alyosha, the sky seemed to me so big, so blue. Why did it fade? .. And the more I live here, the more strongly pulls me here, in Abramtsevo. After all, it’s a sin to indulge in one place like that? ” And three weeks later in Gagra - as if thunder from the sky struck! And the sea disappeared for me, the night Jurassic disappeared ... When did all this happen? In the evening? At night? I know that he got to the cottage late in the evening. What did he do? First of all, he changed clothes and out of habit hung his urban suit in the closet. Then he brought firewood for the stove. I ate apples. Then he suddenly decided to stoke the stove and lay down. Here, most likely, this came! What did he recall goodbye? Did you cry? Then he washed himself and put on a clean underwear ... A shotgun hung on the wall. He took it off, feeling the cold weight, the coldness of steel trunks. A cartridge easily entered one of the barrels. My cartridge. He sat on a chair, took off his shoe, put trunks in his mouth ... No, not weakness - great vitality and hardness are needed in order to break off his life the way he cut off!

But why, why? - I am looking for and can not find the answer. Is it possible that each of us has a seal unknown to us, determining the whole course of our future life? .. My soul is wandering in the dark ...

And then we were all still alive, and there was one of those summer days, which we recall after years and which seem endless to us. Having said goodbye to me and ruffled your hair again, my friend went to his home. And you and I took a big apple and went camping. Oh, what a long journey we had to go — almost a kilometer! - and how many diverse lives awaited us along this path: the small river Yasnushka rolled past its waters; squirrel jumped on the branches; The chief barked when he found a hedgehog, and we examined the hedgehog, and you wanted to touch it with your hand, but the hedgehog fuked, and you, having lost your balance, sat on the moss; then we went out to the rotunda, and you said: “What a bang!”; by the river, you lay down on the root with your chest and began to look into the water: "The fish fall," you told me a minute later; a mosquito sat on your shoulder: “Komaik bit ...” - you said, grimacing. I remembered the apple, took it out of my pocket, wiped it on the grass to shine and gave it to you. You took it with both hands and immediately took a bite, and the bite mark was like a squirrel ... No, blessed, our world was beautiful.

It was time for your daytime sleep, and we went home. While I undressed you and pulled on your pajamas, you managed to remember everything that I saw on that day. At the end of the conversation, you openly yawned twice. In my opinion, you managed to fall asleep before I left the room. I sat at the window and thought: will you remember when this endless day and our journey? Is it all that you and I have gone through will irrevocably go somewhere? And I heard you cry. I went to you, thinking that you woke up and you need something. But you slept with your knees up. Your tears flowed so abundantly that the pillow quickly got wet. You were sobbing with bitter, with desperate hopelessness. As if mourned for something, forever gone. What did you manage to learn in life to cry so bitterly in a dream? Or are we already in infancy grieving soul, fearing the impending suffering? “Son, wake up, dear,” I tugged at your hand. You woke up, quickly sat down and extended your hands to me. Gradually, you began to calm down. After washing you and sitting at the table, I suddenly realized that something had happened to you - you looked at me seriously, intently, and was silent! And I felt you leaving me. Your soul, merged so far with mine, is now far away and every year will be farther and farther. She looked at me with compassion, she said goodbye to me forever. And you were that year and a half years.